Why does Douche Bouquet exist?
There’s a problem facing Planet Earth. Too many douchebags are not fully informed of their suckage. Or not informed enough. Or not informed in a formal, gift-basket kinda way. These people need to be told formally and repeatedly that they are dbags. We want to be part of the solution. Don't you? Order one now.
Who should I send a Douche Bouquet to?
There are over 6 billion people on our planet, most of them deserve a Douche Bouquet. Bosses. Ex girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands. That domestic life partner who gave you AIDS. Send that dude two bouquets (you know he’ll like them). The surgeon who gave you lopsided breasts. Nearly every politician. Your roommate who clogs the toilet and drinks your beer. Fuck that dude. (Not literally.) Dallas Cowboy fans. Kanye West. Anyone at the IRS. Ice dancers. Weathermen who can't get yesterday's forecast correct. See, the list is almost endless.
Will my Douche Bouquet be anonymous?
If you want it to be. When you order, type your name where is says “FROM.” If you put nothing there, then your order will be 100% anonymous. We don’t include any contact or order information with any order – nada, nothing, zippo. So unless you type your name in the “FROM” line, it will be anonymous.
Do keep in mind that the person you’re sending it to is a dbag, so we recommend sending it anonymously unless you’re positive that dbag won’t sue you, call the police, punch you, tell you that you’re not going to be his vice president for his second term, etc.
Why can’t I send comments with my order?
The person you’re sending the Douche Bouquet to is a douchebag. This is exactly the kind of person who would take your cute little comments to his lawyer or the police or his douchebag friends to meet you at the bar. And there’s a fine line between exercising your 1st amendment rights and threatening someone. Really, not allowing comments is for your own good. Trust us, you’re sending the dude a festive enema bucket with a 5 foot lubricated tube. He’ll get the message.
Why can’t I include a message but not my name?
“Hey Jim, thanks for stealing my AstroGlide and canceling my subscription to MacWorld.” Yeah, he won’t know who sent the bouquet. Really, it’s for your own good. If you want to send a message, maybe you should use your Twitter account. Or his Twitter account. Or however the fuck that works.
Can I write a comment in the "FROM" box when ordering?
Space is limited, but yes, you can write whatever you want in the "FROM" box. We don't check it or delete anything.
Does the box indicate what's inside?
Nope. It just says "The Louvre LLC" and our address. No "Douche" and no "Bouquet." The idiot will think someone sent him a little Mona Lisa or something. The convo will go something like this: "Look Bob, my secretary just brought me a box that was mailed from The Louvre. I bet someone sent me a priceless work of art." Opens box and sees black roses, lubed tube, anal soap, etc etc. Secretary giggles in background wishing she'd sent it.
Aren’t you guys douchebags for selling Douche Bouquets?
Calm down there Socrates.
Is there anyone you won’t send a Douche Bouquet to?
The Pope.
But aren’t there people who can’t help but be dbags?
You mean like hipsters in Williamsburg? Let’s see:
--little dog
--Asian g-friend
--messed up hair that cost a lot to look like that
--Converse shoes
--black/gray ironic cardigan
--skinny ties
--fat belt
--thinks he's an artist
--b/c he thinks photography and web design is art
--obsessed with himself
--live in Williamsburg
Definitely a douchebag. But upon further review, we think you’re correct: those talentless egomaniacal hacks in Williamsburg probably can’t help being dbags. The Pope will forgive them. You should send them a Douche Bouquet.
Is sending a Douche Bouquet a form of hate speech?
Your mom’s face is hate speech.
No, really, is it?
The entire notion of hate speech is obnoxious. The first amendment is the first amendment, and if you can circumscribe it, where does it end? Going to limit political and religious speech? Political gatherings? Before you know it, we’ll be a one-party tyranny run by a bunch of goon bureaucrats whose sole objective is to limit your freedom and drain your bank account. OH. FUCK.
Do you have a special Douche Bouquet for mothers-in-law?
There’s a special place in hell for them, but no special Douche Bouquet. Maybe we’ll come up with something for Mother’s Day. After all, nothing says FUCK YOUR LABOR PAINS like a vulgar joke gift on Mother’s Day.
Can I send a Douche Bouquet to an animal, like a dog?
Sure, we’re not racist.
Why is your company called “The Louvre?”
Because only classy things come from The Louvre (LLC).
Why don’t you have a Comments/Questions/Contact page?
When you place an order, you’ll be sent a confirmation email. If there are any problems with your order, which is highly unlikely, you can use that email to get in touch with us. Otherwise, we’re really not interested in your comments, insightful as they may be.
But I’m in the media and my delusional self-righteousness precludes me from processing your lack of interest in my questions/comments.
If you’re in the media, you can email us at ifuckingsuck@douchebouquet.com.
Nice looking office plant. Makes us look official and shit.
Wow, you've really read a lot. Maybe you should take a break and send a Douche Bouquet.
