So you texted him that you felt bad about cheating.
And he texted back "you 2? ... I was starting to feel
bad about Jane. Sweeeet."
And you're not Jane and you meant cheating on a math
test.
We've done some research and we've discovered some
obscure law that seems to suggest that your little cutlery
plan is kinda illegal. Downer, we know.
Lucky for you, we've got a solution. It's like Jesus came back to perform one more miracle. Really, you should cheer up because this miracle shit doesn't happen every day.
You need to send the guy a Douche Bouquet. It's a little vulgar, kinda gross, and says "I hate you so much I spent $20 to let you know, so here's 5 feet of lubricated tube to stick up your ass and some black roses to remind you of the flowers you never gave me." Send it to his office so everyone will see. Oh, he still lives at home? Even better.
Every Douche Bouquet Masterpiece includes:
A complete professional douche/enema system
~ 5 foot tube, prelubricated.
We don’t really know what this tube is for, and we don’t want to think about it. But if you go to the hospital for a major enema, they’ll whip this tube out – we know, we researched it.~ Flow Control Clamp
Again, no idea and don’t want to know. But it looks official, painful and odious. No one wants this sitting on their desk. Or in their kitchen.~Castile Soap
The douchebag you're sending this to probably needs to soap out their asshole after all the dirty talking they’ve been doing with it.~Bib
Looks like a bib. Don’t even want to speculate where it's suppose to go. Yikes.~Graduated Enema Bucket
We put the whole thing in this wonderful medical enema bucket. Nothing says AWESOME like a big ole enema bucket.A festive decorative ensemble
~The bucket is lined with crimped party paper, except it’s black.
~Silk black roses.
~A Douche Card that explains the oh-so-complicated Douche Bouquet concept – you know, just so the moron you sent this to knows exactly why he/she/it received it.
Overall, your Douche Bouquet will say “you suck, now go stick some tube up your ass.” After all, haven’t we all wanted to say that?
Really gotta re-think the white b/c you're not getting those stains out. Nice toe-nail polish though. Brings the ensemble together. And that headband is sweet too.
