Shipping

We ship everything USPS mostly because we like a good challenge.

And because they're cheap and they work on Saturdays, unlike UPS.

And deliver everywhere, including P.O. Boxes.

And you get delivery confirmation via email (if you give us an email address). That way, you'll be certain that the dbag in question got his/her/its festive display of ass tube, at which point you can text him/her/it a cryptic smiley face emoticon (which would probably make you a dbag . . . such is the circle of life).

Best of all, the Douche Bouquet is shipped Priority Mail, so it should arrive in about 2 days. Ya hate the bitch on Monday; she gets an enema bucket on Wednesday. If only cosmic justice worked that quickly.

Shipping is typically $6-$7, depending on where you live. DBs usually get delivered in 1-3 days.

International Shipping

You don't live in the USA? Well fuck you. USA! USA!

But really, we understand that douche bags live everywhere and take our committment to insulting them seriously. And we'd love to ship 5-foot ass tubes to your friends in huts in Africa and shit, but it would cost $42 to ship a DB to most parts of the world (closer to $68 for huts in Africa). Send us an email with the city & country if you really want us to ship internationally. We'll send you a quote.

Expedited Shipping

Yeah, we know some big words. Anyway, you really want to spend an extra $15 to send a vulgar joke gift by next-day mail? Let's keep this simple and stick with regular old $7 priority mail. It only takes an extra one or two days anyway. Trust us, if the guy is a douche today, he'll be a douche 2 days from now.

Now, how about you order one?

You know the person who sent this package has to be at least 130. String? The only way this wasn't sent by a 130-yr-old is if it's a bomb. You know it's like step 47 in the bomb-makers manual: Now tie your package with twine so it looks really inconspicuous in 1870s London. Douche Bouquets don't look like this -- they look like they were mailed this century by people who weren't raised in caves. You know, with shipping tape and other fancy shit.