Too lazy to tell someone he’s a douchebag? Don’t want to get fired?
Celebrity Endorsements
Real, not parodies, we-have-it-all-on-tape, fully authorized endorsements.*
Chris Brown -- Pugilist
“If hittin’ bitches gets me a Douche Bouquet, I’ll be hittin’ bitches all day. Yeah, like I need a reason.”
Fred Durst – Sex Symbol
“I got a Douche Bouquet in the mail today and it reminded me that I’m not dead yet.”
Lindsey Graham – Gay Politician
"Does this Douche Bouquet make my butt look fat?"
Tiger Woods – White Trashier than Durst
“If banging a Denny’s waitress gets me a Douche Bouquet, I’ll spend the rest of my life in a trailer park. And by the way, who says blacks don’t get served at Denny’s? Oh wait, I’m not black. Anyway, I’m off to Denny’s and I’m excited about the 5 feet of ass tube that came with my Douche Bouquet. Too bad it’s lubricated.”
Kanye West – Ethical Philosopher
“I can’t believe I got a Douche Bouquet and Beyonce didn’t – she had one of the douchiest videos of the year!”
*fake, parodies, we-got-nothing-on-tape, unauthorized non-endorsements. Which is not to suggest that those people didn't actually receive a Douche Bouquet. They just didn't pick up the phone to chat with us, which is somewhat shocking. You know what else would be shocking? If you didn't buy one.
Chinese People
“Obviously we love the Douche Bouquet since we invented douches in the 23th century b.c. (Honga Dong Dynasty) and bouquets in the 8th century b.c. (Ching Aling Dynasty). In fact, after we invented the douche we realized we had to invent water, which we did. Then we ate some domestic house pets.”
U.S. Congress
“Vulgar gag gifts are what we, the U.S. congress, are all about. We send them every week to the U.S. people, so we expect and appreciate the Douche Bouquets sent to us. Sure, the Douche Bouquet costs a lot less than the vulgar joke gifts we send to the American people, but not everyone can have trillions in loose change clanging around in their pockets. By the way, did you know the Chinese invented pockets?”
Got someone in your life who needs to be sent a festive enema bucket with a 5 foot lubricated tube?
Sure you do. We
all do.
You know how you want to call up Domino’s and send 100 extra-ham large pizzas to the Iranian U.N. Mission (fyi 622 Third Ave. New York, NY 10017)? Well, we know the feeling, and we’d like to help.
When you care enough to tell someone they suck.
